The longest day: Part II

YESTERDAY I got up at 6am, served breakfast in a frilly apron, worked all day, lost at football, stubbed my toe and didn’t get to bed until 3am – but the worst part of my 21-hour day was, without doubt, watching the new Twilight film.

My housemate Tom – also known as reviewer That Film Guy – needed to see Twilight Breaking Dawn: Part I at the first opportunity because the series has been a massive commercial hit and he needed to get the review on his website as soon as possible.

He roped me in with a £25 donation to Running Errands and we set off just before midnight to join the over-excited teenage girls queuing for the film. My part of the bargain was simply to watch the film, write a short article for the Mirrormidweek (a free paper produced by my company covering the Epsom, Ewell, Reigate and Redhill areas) and write this blog entry about it. So, here’s my stab at a review (please note, the following contains spoilers):

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part I is, to quote Shakespeare, utter shit (apologies for the language, but I am part of a generation which can only express powerful emotions through profanity).

The first hour-and-a-bit is series of close-ups of the two main characters’ eyes, set to creepy notes from the piano and violin in turn. It feels more like a grossly over-length advert than a film – and there’s plenty of shameless product placement to make that a partial reality.

Walking down the aisle at her wedding, our heroine Bella has the tremulous expression of someone who has just realised she’s in a house with a gas-leak on Bonfire Night – in fact, everyone in the film looks vaguely confused and unhappy throughout.

Towards the end of the gruelling first hour, Bella demands of her vampire lover Edward: “Why won’t you believe I’m happy.” Well dear, it’s probably because you haven’t cracked a smile once in the film so far.

The main plot is so idiotic that it would be funny if you hadn’t paid to see it.

In between staring vacantly into each other’s eyes, our emaciated lovebirds engage is some distinctly awkward “bunga bunga” (to use Silvio Berlusconi’s term) which results in Bella getting pregnant. On discovering this happy news, Edward pulls off the apparently impossible by becoming even more bloody miserable than before.

Apparently neither of these geniuses had considered that possibility. When Edward takes the trouble to Google the matter, we are treated to flickering images of vampire babies tearing their human mothers apart. Seriously?! HE FAILED TO GOOGLE “HUMAN-VAMPIRE BABY”! If you were a vampire, surely you’d give it a quick click before indulging in unsafe sex?!

Unfortunately for our mum-to-be, coupling with a “demon” results in the spawning of a mutant super baby which soon starts “crushing her from the inside out” (Edward says this, but I’m not sure you can be “crushed” outwards). Bella is soon drinking blood through a straw while a whirlwind of teenage angst rages around her.

What follows is too disgusting to go into. All I can say is the caesarean scene is one of the most harrowing things I’ve ever watched and makes a mockery of the film’s 12A rating.

The film has some redeeming features. The supporting cast is not bad and provides much-needed breaks from the self-obsessed miseries at the heart of the action. There are also some funny moments, doubly worth a laugh because of the contrast to the rest of the film.

Overall however, Twilight Breaking Dawn: Part I is the stuff of nightmares – my new nightmare is that I’ll have to watch Part II.

Running total: £287